There were several things that I loved, such as singing and dancing and performing, and working with children, but logically I knew that any pursuit in one of these areas would never make much money. Even my high school guidance counselor tried to talk me into doing "more" when I told her that I knew I definitely wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom one day if I should be so blessed. What, you don't have any real ambitions? But you're so bright...Therefore, I compromised. Perhaps a nice job in ministry or teaching music? So I talked myself out of majoring in music, and minored. I settled on a Bible degree, and spent the next four years feeling quite out of place in my own department, trying to live up to some incompatible ideal I'd set for myself. I determined that I wouldn't change majors like all the other immature kids who can't make up their minds. Really, I had it all figured out, didn't I?
However, even as I was not where I really should have been in my academics, God was working. In a philosophy class, one of my professors was discussing gifts one day. I was probably half-paying attention when I heard, "Take Claire for example. She has a beautiful singing voice. If she didn't use it, she would be squandering the gift God has given her to use to minister to others." (This is paraphrased of course.) This immediately set into motion the thought in my head that perhaps I didn't have it all figured out. I mean, singing for real? No, no, that's just a hobby or something you do in church every so often. Sure, I loved studying music, but I couldn't possibly have enough talent to make that a reality. So I put that thought out of my mind for a long time. Another professor in the same department gave us a book assignment at one point to read "The Call" by Os Guinness. I'd read that book as a freshman, and thus began more soul stirring. But old habits-and ways of thinking-die hard. I wasn't at the place in my life where I was ready to consider actually following some great calling to unknown and insecure places.
While in college (the first time) I did throw myself into the music department, staying involved as much as I possibly could. It was where I truly felt at home. You know that feeling you get when you're exactly in the place, doing exactly the thing that you feel makes you the most..."you"? That's what it felt like to me. As much as I wanted to get through college and get on with life, I dreaded the day that I wouldn't get to be involved anymore.
People are really narrow minded. My apologies if that offends you. Here's what I mean though: I had more than one counselor while in school try to pigeon-hole me into a certain type of job when I tried to be truthful about what I really wanted to do in my life. Oh, you love music? Be a music teacher (NO!) Oh, you love kids? Be a daycare director. (WHAT?) Oh, you want to be a mom? Got any other ideas? (No...I must have no ambitions.) It was like I didn't fit into anyone's neat little box, and the more I tried to figure myself out, the more I felt like a rebel.
I did work up the courage to get my degree in music finally, after getting my first degree. Even still, I found myself almost giving in and getting a music education degree. I had reasoned that I could at least have a reason to study music if I was a music teacher. But everything inside of me finally rebelled against this and I did music performance. You know how many people expect some sort of eureka moment in which they suddenly figure their life out? Well it doesn't work that way for most of us. I was gathering my courage but the practical side of me was still pretty strong. Nothing wrong with being practical, but I knew I was just talking myself out of doing what God was really calling me to do...although I still wasn't even sure at the time what that was.
After graduation (and, I might add, a string of several jobs that I had enjoyed but couldn't settle), I had my music degree...and still no ideas about what I'd do with my life (remember my determination to NOT be one of those people? Yeah...) and my husband and I had decided we were ready for a family. So we welcomed little Clark into the world. I was pretty much the happiest I've ever been other than marrying Scott. But again, the need for security again became top priority. I was still fighting with myself on the passion and calling vs. job security, but this time security won out. I got lucky and found a job working with great people and doing tasks that I enjoyed, and even got a couple of promotions while I was there, and God provided several miracles during that time providing for our needs. God is always so good! But I knew, I still knew, that this was only temporary and that God had other plans for me.
However, even as I was not where I really should have been in my academics, God was working. In a philosophy class, one of my professors was discussing gifts one day. I was probably half-paying attention when I heard, "Take Claire for example. She has a beautiful singing voice. If she didn't use it, she would be squandering the gift God has given her to use to minister to others." (This is paraphrased of course.) This immediately set into motion the thought in my head that perhaps I didn't have it all figured out. I mean, singing for real? No, no, that's just a hobby or something you do in church every so often. Sure, I loved studying music, but I couldn't possibly have enough talent to make that a reality. So I put that thought out of my mind for a long time. Another professor in the same department gave us a book assignment at one point to read "The Call" by Os Guinness. I'd read that book as a freshman, and thus began more soul stirring. But old habits-and ways of thinking-die hard. I wasn't at the place in my life where I was ready to consider actually following some great calling to unknown and insecure places.
While in college (the first time) I did throw myself into the music department, staying involved as much as I possibly could. It was where I truly felt at home. You know that feeling you get when you're exactly in the place, doing exactly the thing that you feel makes you the most..."you"? That's what it felt like to me. As much as I wanted to get through college and get on with life, I dreaded the day that I wouldn't get to be involved anymore.
People are really narrow minded. My apologies if that offends you. Here's what I mean though: I had more than one counselor while in school try to pigeon-hole me into a certain type of job when I tried to be truthful about what I really wanted to do in my life. Oh, you love music? Be a music teacher (NO!) Oh, you love kids? Be a daycare director. (WHAT?) Oh, you want to be a mom? Got any other ideas? (No...I must have no ambitions.) It was like I didn't fit into anyone's neat little box, and the more I tried to figure myself out, the more I felt like a rebel.
I did work up the courage to get my degree in music finally, after getting my first degree. Even still, I found myself almost giving in and getting a music education degree. I had reasoned that I could at least have a reason to study music if I was a music teacher. But everything inside of me finally rebelled against this and I did music performance. You know how many people expect some sort of eureka moment in which they suddenly figure their life out? Well it doesn't work that way for most of us. I was gathering my courage but the practical side of me was still pretty strong. Nothing wrong with being practical, but I knew I was just talking myself out of doing what God was really calling me to do...although I still wasn't even sure at the time what that was.
After graduation (and, I might add, a string of several jobs that I had enjoyed but couldn't settle), I had my music degree...and still no ideas about what I'd do with my life (remember my determination to NOT be one of those people? Yeah...) and my husband and I had decided we were ready for a family. So we welcomed little Clark into the world. I was pretty much the happiest I've ever been other than marrying Scott. But again, the need for security again became top priority. I was still fighting with myself on the passion and calling vs. job security, but this time security won out. I got lucky and found a job working with great people and doing tasks that I enjoyed, and even got a couple of promotions while I was there, and God provided several miracles during that time providing for our needs. God is always so good! But I knew, I still knew, that this was only temporary and that God had other plans for me.