The day I turned 26, I had an actual epiphany. You know, one of those moments you see in the movies where the main character suddenly stops and looks far off into the distance excitedly and then everything changes and they get a crazy happy ending? It was totally one of those! I was driving back home from somewhere that night, and all at once I realized several terrible things. It was like God allowed me to look at myself honestly and see the unappealing parts for what they were for the first time. This time I couldn’t avoid it and turn my mind to other things. I was in an office job (which I'd sworn I'd never do because it wasn’t me), I was not working with children, singing, dancing, or acting anymore, I was really overweight and starting to hide my body more and more (don't ask me about numbers please), and I was just going through the motions of life. And to top it off I had maybe 2 hours at home each evening with Clark, and even less with Scott as he was working some evenings too. Life pretty much sucked. I was nowhere near where I'd always pictured myself being in my mid-twenties. I was not doing any of the things that made me feel alive anymore. I had Scott and Clark and they were wonderful, but I knew some things needed to change. I beat on my steering wheel and literally cried out to God and shouted about how frustrated and hopeless I felt, and how I needed Him to help me sort it all out. I was so clueless! I felt like such a failure at life. That night, on the way home, I decided that everything had to change. Not only did I need to make drastic changes for me, but my husband and son needed me to be a much better wife and mother. God in His grace was there and helped me at least fall asleep that night, even in my restlessness.
The next day I pulled back out that old book, "The Call". I started reading through it again, and delving back into the Bible and taking notes. As I read through it, more questions were raised in my mind, but this time I began to feel a sense of peace even in the midst of my confusion. I was finally able to admit to myself that I was confused and lost, but I knew God had let me get to that point so I would have to start learning to trust Him, which is something I’d never learned to do. I’d always thought I had to do it all on my own, prove myself, and keep all the pieces together myself. Oh, and be perfect at it all. Really, who did I think I was? But this is the lie that so many of us tell ourselves. Society tells us we can have it all, so we end up putting great pressure on ourselves to achieve it all, and when (not if) we fall short we feel like we’re the only ones who can’t “keep up”. We present a face to the world for so long that we get to the point that we think if we crack just a little all the pieces will fall apart and it will be just the end of the world. You know, I used to hold it all in so much that I was afraid of crying. I used to say “if I start crying I’ll never stop” and I was right. Because I was taught that crying was a sign of weakness and something to be avoided, as was any vulnerability or real emotions. So I held it all in and tried to look perfect on the outside, and used to cry all the time when I was alone. Strangely enough, since that night I had the epiphany, I haven’t felt the need to cry like that. Oh sure I cry when I’m upset, but it’s not like Niagra Falls anymore. I cry and then move on.
Basically, what I was beginning to learn was that it really wasn’t about me at all. You see how self-centered this kind of pressure is? It causes you to constantly be looking inward whether you realize it or not and be evaluating (read: criticizing) yourself, rather than focusing on who God is and on serving others. True focus on God and others, at least for me, couldn’t happen until I started learning to accept and celebrate who God created me to be. Isn’t that ironic? We think that if we celebrate who we are and love ourselves for who we are, then we’re being self-centered. But that’s not true. Actually, it’s the opposite. By accepting and loving ourselves, we’re actually in a way saying “thank you” to the holy God who created us, and then we can move on and lose ourselves. He knew what He was doing when He breathed life into each one of us. He has an ideal for you and you can bet it’s not “achieve everything and be perfect to impress everyone around you”! I’m convinced that His ideal includes us focusing more on that command Jesus gave us to “love our neighbor as ourselves.” We really can’t love others the way God intends until we learn to love ourselves just as we are. I mean, my sweet husband loves me just exactly as I am. It took me several years of being together with him to really start to understand that concept and chip away at the persona I had created, that “perfect” facade. I thank God every day for his presence that’s constantly reminding me of true unconditional love.
These were only a few of the puzzle pieces that started to fall into place in my heart.
The next day I pulled back out that old book, "The Call". I started reading through it again, and delving back into the Bible and taking notes. As I read through it, more questions were raised in my mind, but this time I began to feel a sense of peace even in the midst of my confusion. I was finally able to admit to myself that I was confused and lost, but I knew God had let me get to that point so I would have to start learning to trust Him, which is something I’d never learned to do. I’d always thought I had to do it all on my own, prove myself, and keep all the pieces together myself. Oh, and be perfect at it all. Really, who did I think I was? But this is the lie that so many of us tell ourselves. Society tells us we can have it all, so we end up putting great pressure on ourselves to achieve it all, and when (not if) we fall short we feel like we’re the only ones who can’t “keep up”. We present a face to the world for so long that we get to the point that we think if we crack just a little all the pieces will fall apart and it will be just the end of the world. You know, I used to hold it all in so much that I was afraid of crying. I used to say “if I start crying I’ll never stop” and I was right. Because I was taught that crying was a sign of weakness and something to be avoided, as was any vulnerability or real emotions. So I held it all in and tried to look perfect on the outside, and used to cry all the time when I was alone. Strangely enough, since that night I had the epiphany, I haven’t felt the need to cry like that. Oh sure I cry when I’m upset, but it’s not like Niagra Falls anymore. I cry and then move on.
Basically, what I was beginning to learn was that it really wasn’t about me at all. You see how self-centered this kind of pressure is? It causes you to constantly be looking inward whether you realize it or not and be evaluating (read: criticizing) yourself, rather than focusing on who God is and on serving others. True focus on God and others, at least for me, couldn’t happen until I started learning to accept and celebrate who God created me to be. Isn’t that ironic? We think that if we celebrate who we are and love ourselves for who we are, then we’re being self-centered. But that’s not true. Actually, it’s the opposite. By accepting and loving ourselves, we’re actually in a way saying “thank you” to the holy God who created us, and then we can move on and lose ourselves. He knew what He was doing when He breathed life into each one of us. He has an ideal for you and you can bet it’s not “achieve everything and be perfect to impress everyone around you”! I’m convinced that His ideal includes us focusing more on that command Jesus gave us to “love our neighbor as ourselves.” We really can’t love others the way God intends until we learn to love ourselves just as we are. I mean, my sweet husband loves me just exactly as I am. It took me several years of being together with him to really start to understand that concept and chip away at the persona I had created, that “perfect” facade. I thank God every day for his presence that’s constantly reminding me of true unconditional love.
These were only a few of the puzzle pieces that started to fall into place in my heart.