My prayer is that the Lord will give me the words to say here that need to be heard by others out there who are struggling with who they are and who they want to be. I pray that the Truth will be spoken here, and that my story will help someone find themselves too.
As a small child, I remember mom sitting me down with a bowl of popcorn and the movie "The Sound of Music". I remember her saying, you need to see this movie, Everyone should see this movie. The part with the landscapes at first was a bit boring to my four year old self, but after I saw Maria singing on the mountainside, I was hooked for life. Something about that freedom and singing to God on an open field like that seemed just perfect.
Pretty soon I was old enough to pick up on some of the worries of life around me, as young children do. By my middle school years I was already worrying about what God's plan for my life was. One day while I was riding in the car with my mom, I asked her about it. She could tell I was really worried and reassured me. "Honey, if you're really that worried about it, He will let you know. God won't leave you confused." That reassurance has stayed with me since then, even through the times when I would get so confused about life and everything that I'd just want to give up searching.
I got involved in church plays and musicals, and even got to be in a local children's acting group. I discovered classical ballet somewhere along the way and begged my parents for two years to let me try it. I started when I was 12 and was dancing on pointe by the time I was 13. It was the perfect place in my mind, because it was the one thing I had control over in my life. In the back of my mind I wished with all my heart that I could be a performer one day of some sort, but had always been given the impression that the arts couldn't be a real profession, only a hobby. So I tried hard to suppress this desire. It never actually worked.
I was actually a pretty bad child, always questioning my parents' instructions and frequently in trouble for talking back. I was really just that curious, but I really wore my parents out with it! So I felt like a terrible person, but I was just so curious that I couldn't help myself. I was known as "the instigator" as I would lead my younger siblings into trouble for fun. But to the outside world, I was perfect. I couldn't figure out why I felt so compelled to present a perfect image to the world that I knew wasn't really me. And somehow, even with loving parents who gave me a safe and warm home environment, there were times when I felt like there was just something wrong with me. Like I was defective...like something inside of me needed to be fixed. Like...dare I even say it...God shouldn't have made me the way He did. Who on earth could handle my personality? I couldn't even handle it! Always questioning, always intensely assessing everything, never able to relax and have any fun, too many ideas and inclinations inside me aching to get out.
As I grew up I began to worry even more about what I'd do with my life. I knew a performing career wasn't possible (at least in my mind) so I just kept trying to suppress it. Perhaps it was the result of being an army kid and moving a lot that I felt the need to be so grown up and settled. Perhaps it was because I was the oldest child and had much younger siblings that I helped take care of when my dad was deployed. I had always described myself as Type A, a worrier, perpetually stressed, etc. I saw how older folks would comment on how kids my age were so irresponsible and rude. I determined more and more that I would absolutely not be one of those young adults who drifts aimlessly and never really grows up and gets a real job. In my mind, having a secure job with lots of growth potential was a top priority. Even as a teenager I was always wishing I was already an adult. I wanted freedom as any teenager does, and I also felt an intense need to prove myself to everyone around me.
As a small child, I remember mom sitting me down with a bowl of popcorn and the movie "The Sound of Music". I remember her saying, you need to see this movie, Everyone should see this movie. The part with the landscapes at first was a bit boring to my four year old self, but after I saw Maria singing on the mountainside, I was hooked for life. Something about that freedom and singing to God on an open field like that seemed just perfect.
Pretty soon I was old enough to pick up on some of the worries of life around me, as young children do. By my middle school years I was already worrying about what God's plan for my life was. One day while I was riding in the car with my mom, I asked her about it. She could tell I was really worried and reassured me. "Honey, if you're really that worried about it, He will let you know. God won't leave you confused." That reassurance has stayed with me since then, even through the times when I would get so confused about life and everything that I'd just want to give up searching.
I got involved in church plays and musicals, and even got to be in a local children's acting group. I discovered classical ballet somewhere along the way and begged my parents for two years to let me try it. I started when I was 12 and was dancing on pointe by the time I was 13. It was the perfect place in my mind, because it was the one thing I had control over in my life. In the back of my mind I wished with all my heart that I could be a performer one day of some sort, but had always been given the impression that the arts couldn't be a real profession, only a hobby. So I tried hard to suppress this desire. It never actually worked.
I was actually a pretty bad child, always questioning my parents' instructions and frequently in trouble for talking back. I was really just that curious, but I really wore my parents out with it! So I felt like a terrible person, but I was just so curious that I couldn't help myself. I was known as "the instigator" as I would lead my younger siblings into trouble for fun. But to the outside world, I was perfect. I couldn't figure out why I felt so compelled to present a perfect image to the world that I knew wasn't really me. And somehow, even with loving parents who gave me a safe and warm home environment, there were times when I felt like there was just something wrong with me. Like I was defective...like something inside of me needed to be fixed. Like...dare I even say it...God shouldn't have made me the way He did. Who on earth could handle my personality? I couldn't even handle it! Always questioning, always intensely assessing everything, never able to relax and have any fun, too many ideas and inclinations inside me aching to get out.
As I grew up I began to worry even more about what I'd do with my life. I knew a performing career wasn't possible (at least in my mind) so I just kept trying to suppress it. Perhaps it was the result of being an army kid and moving a lot that I felt the need to be so grown up and settled. Perhaps it was because I was the oldest child and had much younger siblings that I helped take care of when my dad was deployed. I had always described myself as Type A, a worrier, perpetually stressed, etc. I saw how older folks would comment on how kids my age were so irresponsible and rude. I determined more and more that I would absolutely not be one of those young adults who drifts aimlessly and never really grows up and gets a real job. In my mind, having a secure job with lots of growth potential was a top priority. Even as a teenager I was always wishing I was already an adult. I wanted freedom as any teenager does, and I also felt an intense need to prove myself to everyone around me.